What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize