Will you blow on my dice?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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