Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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