OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Pants are for mortals
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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