how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
