i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize