I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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