fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
