im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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