9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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