it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
3pm strippers are depressing
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
