Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
