i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
