i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize