gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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