Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
