and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
