I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
