Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
