I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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