I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
