We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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