NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
