cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
