Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
