at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
