There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
