Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
