I am in a vortex of obligation.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
