Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
