i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize