dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
People in love make me want to vomit
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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