i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Watching her eat just hurts me
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
