i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
