i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My liver is preforming stress tests.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
