I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
