There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
why is half of my head shaved?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
