JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
