Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
