I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
