I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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