She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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