I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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