Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
