apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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