the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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