After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
