my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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