please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
