my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
