I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize