I wish I could punch you in the face.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
