life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
