Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I did not marry a roomba.
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