The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
