i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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