Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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