just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
