I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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